Of shards and sheep

The return journey. Already a delight. Managed to catch my connecting train by the absolute skin of my teeth and I will say, I think a lot of people were surprised at the turn of speed from a fat bird carrying a laptop bag, shoulder bag, AND suitcase.

The first train I got this morning (which was, as you can probably have guessed, delayed) seemed to be full of sports enthusiasts. Well, enthusiasts of watching it, definitely. I found my booked seat already occupied, but they vacated it without too much trouble. This meant though, that I found myself sitting among a pile of lads, probably late teens, very early twenties, all clutching cans of fruit-flavoured alcohols of varying types which they had been enjoying for at least a few stops already. One of them, clearly the "leader" of this little gaggle, was either particularly reactive to alcohol or he had managed to get a bit more down his face than his friends. He was expounding loudly on any number of subjects, and apparently is exactly the sort of manager England wants for its next game, since he was confident he knew exactly how they could be made to win. You know the sort. Meanwhile, his adoring little fans listened to him with rapt attention, giggling like shoolgirls from a 1950s movie.

Me? I sat there, staring out of the window, trying to ignore the noise. Earplugs had gone in, and so the chatter had been turned down to a dull roar, and I didn't even roll my eyeballs despite wanting to so much. But back to our...Hero. There he is, now telling his minions that women are too emotional, and how they always behave like the sky is coming down on them, and they are so dramatic and so on. I mean, in fairness, anyone of a female persuasion in this young man's life probably DOES feel like life has dealt them a pretty dud hand. So now he decides to turn to me. "Oi. Luv. Who died for you to have a face like that?"

I blinked. Turned and looked at him. Stared for a few seconds and removed one ear plug. He was grinning like an absolute loon. I just said..."Since you ask. My nephew, my niece, my sister, and my dad". Stared at him a few seconds later as his friends around him visibly shrivelled. Put my earplug back in, looked back out of the window.

His friends basically sat on him for the remaining time I was on the train. It appeared to take a little bit of the exuberance out of them.

This is the thing. You really DON'T know what is going on with other people. How we have reached a stage where a complete failure to show any consideration for fellow human beings until slapped in the face with a response you weren't expecting is the norm, I have no idea.

Quite aside from the whole how-on-earth-is-it-2026-anyway, I can hardly believe we are staring into the gaping maw of June already. I had all the very best intentions of writing some things, maybe do some little stories, or some glass educational type bits and bobs but...clearly I failed at that massively. And the worst part is, I genuinely cannot tell you why I failed to have the time - I just don't KNOW!

The world has continued to stumble around like a drunk neighbour crashing your family gathering being both entirely unnecessary, deeply unpleasant, and making you wonder if they will actually feel any shame about it later. The amount of people frothing at the mouth about groups of people they don't know but have decided they hate (or worse, they might well know some of them but be unaware of that fact), and people with obscene amounts of money doing their best to try and impose THEIR viewpoint on others, all the while claiming some sort of imaginary victimisation. In short, it's all quite weird and I am not particularly keen.

Instead of dealing with any of that nonsense, I have been...playing with my sheep, making glass things, playing a LOT of Crimson Desert and occasionally marvelling at how I can possibly be so *old*. Thyroid is still being an absolute pain in the....well, neck, I guess, what with the absolute mess it has been making of my eyes. Very annoying, although it *appears* to have stopped actively trying to kill me. I mean, admittedly, it's also entirely under the cosh from the drugs being used to suppress it into 2035, but details details.

The sheep are continuing to be absolutely adorably fluffy goofballs, although Jingle clearly managed to land on his head again and remove his other horn. Seriously, I do not know why that sheep is quite so accident prone. Not quite on a level with Charlie (thankfully) but even so.

I am just sitting here babbling away because I feel like I really ought to have something meaningful and so on to say, but as it is...even if I did, I doubt the world in general would be terribly interested. The world out there is continuing to be a shit, in general terms, and I honestly didn't think we would have regressed from the 80s. But here we are, with the likes of Farage and Joanne Rowling leading the charge downhill into the mire. I am going to sit here on my little rock, watching all this, and reaching out a hand where I can to pull people to safety. If we just wait these people out, then I am sure things will improve. Instead, I shall look to the decent people in life. The David Attenboroughs and so on, who truly are the best of us and hold no hate in their hearts. Those are my role models. Not those who preach division and bile.

June's arrival means THAT anniversary is coming round again. Nineteen years since Chloe and Zak were murdered, and seven years since their mother, my sister, left us because pancreatic cancer decided to get in on the act. It's an odd thing, that both events still feel like they both only just happened. Now, I have a surviving niece of 19, and nephew of 22. I don't understand entirely how those two kids can possibly be (legally at least) adults now, but here we are. There's so much I wish I could get them to just...understand, taken straight from my brain and injected into theirs, so they wouldn't have to go through that whole learning it business...but I suppose that's probably what parents often feel about their offspring too.

Well, I'll be off now to go back into my shed and make butterflies and rainbows.

And it will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone that I have picked up an absolutely stinking cold along with it. I heard mention of a cold vaccine they've been testing on mice of late. I am over here, looking for ways to volunteer for human trials. Seriously, pick me already.

The world is continuing to turn, albeit a little graunchily. A recent kerfuffle was again the BBC showing its rather evident stumbling to the right like a drunk elephant. Short version, an awards ceremony, a case of tourettes, and evident editing decisions taken by the BBC.

During the collection of an award, the person with tourettes shouted out a racial.slur which the Beeb chose to leave in their later broadcast, despite having edited out two of his other same outbursts and also, a rather lovely gentleman who was trying to offer a crumb of hope to the oppressed and embattled peoples of the world.

This was entirely an editorial decision and served two purposes. The first being that the slur in question, loaded as it is, is possibly one of the most hateful, hurtful things that could have been said to our black and brown brothers and sisters. It has been used to degrade and dehumanise for so long and... yeah. I am not even from that community and words fail me as to how horrified I am to think of people sitting in their homes, where they should be safe, being exposed to that word. Just because there was no intent by the speaker is irrelevant (and I'll get there shortly). There is no excuse whatsoever for the BBC choosing to keep that in THAT move...that was calculated to hurt.

The second purpose? To take direct aim at disabled communities. To "prove" that they are not "deserving" of special treatment... Where special treatment means : they should be shut out of spaces where the "normal" people are. Why should we make concessions for the disabled minority anyway? Or any minority? It's a way to push them back into the wings, out of sight, out of mind. No more special.parking spaces, no more extra time to complete tasks, no "special treatment" when queuing, no more being perceived by the envious to get "more".

The person in question has a specific type of tic. One that knows the absolute worst words that could be said in a given situation, and blurts them.out. Obviously, if he thought the worst possible word to say was "hamster" or "lemon tree", then that is what he would have shouted. But no, he knew the worst possible words because let's be honest- we ALL do. We have heard them our entire lives and most of us have the good fortune to be able to stop ourselves from using them. If that ability to control what i said was gone, I would be mortified.

But instead of recognising the hurt and harm against both communities, we're tripping over ourselves to defend or accuse one or the other instead of looking hard at the Beeb and reminding them that they are not there to be partisan and support either a left or right wing agenda. And we know from the actions of the people at the top of the tree that they are very firmly to the right. I used to be mildly amused when I heard people claiming that the BBC was both Left and Right aligned. To me, it suggested they were navigating a broadly central path. Tricky, but evidently preferable. These days, when someone who doesn't even watch TV (seriously, we don't even have one in the house) can see the path has gone off on a tangent, and as the various scandals come out, and the toxic, bullying culture of the executives comes to light - you have to admit they have lost their claim to be speaking peace nation unto nation. They are actually causing unnecessary pain and fighting within the population, and allowing the scumbags at the top to get away with spreading hatred and corruption.

So yeah. Not the best.

...and I'm finally able to be a little more...controlled? Is that the word?

Hang on, back up, start at the beginning.

A couple of days ago, I made some Spring-themed fused glass pieces, which I was quite pleased with. As is the fashion, I went to post them to Instagram because, well, even though these aren't for sale in my shop (the postage I would need to charge would all but double the item cost because they are tiny, only about 5.5cm across), I like to share a little bit of colourful artyness here and there. On opening the app, and without any warning thanks to the autoplay of videos (which cannot be switched OFF), I witnessed the last few seconds of a human life.

It hit me like a TRAIN. Genuinely.floored me. I watched as a bunch of armed, masked men held another man to the ground on his knees with his hands firmly held behind his back... and shot him. Multiple times. And he fell to the ground, lifeless. I watched a murder take place in broad daylight.

I had managed to avoid seeing what happened to the Kirk boy. I managed to avoid seeing what happened to Renee Good. But this time, the video started and played on without any sort of warning, minutes after the referenced event had occurred, so I had no way of knowing not to open anything for at least a few hours when I could immediately skip anything that might be related.

I don't like horror movies. I don't enjoy watching make-believe movie killings. I have lived through enough horror in real life that I don't find entertainment value in it. To then be confronted with this horrific evil was just too much and it broke me. I felt sick, I was shaking as if I had been there and witnessed it myself. When the news reported what some woman was claiming to have been the situation, I just wanted to scream what a lying little bitch she is. Believe me, this is NOT my usual demeanor. Even if I believe someone is lying, I don't tend to feel like I want to scream in their faces. But that she would stand there and repeat such obvious falsehood was beyond repugnant.

I am calmer than I was. I cannot scrape those images from my brain though, no matter how much I want to. And I recognise that for those witnesses, for those affected families of these atrocities...it is so much worse. My feelings are not anywhere near the same league as the pain they are experiencing. So I recognise my privilege that should not BE a privilege.

The only thing I see as the weirdest positive to take from this, is that the Nazi hunters never gave up. And they kept finding those who thought they had hidden themselves well away, just like those masked thugs, and their enablers who think they will always be protected by power. They won't. They will all be found, they will be put on trial, and they will be forced to answer for their crimes. And it may not come until they are doddery old.fools in their 90s. It won't matter though. They will be found and they WILL be held accountable. And when they all eventually die, as all humans do, their names will be forgotten. They will die the truest death when no one ever speak their names again and the world will forget them, as they deserve.

Oh, and no. This is not up for debate. This is not about nuance. This is nothing to do with context. This isn't even politics. It is good versus evil. Nothing more or less complex. Choose where to stand, and live with the consequence of that choice.

I've had....quite a few interviews of late. Nothing has come of them so far, some because they said no (or ghosted me) and some because I said no. Some from both camps have disappointed me.

But in a couple of instancesnow, the "liked posts" on LinkedIn by the CEO or the interviewer have left me absolutely cold and so very glad I will not need to deal with those people.

From one person who liked a post where the underlying message was that unless you're a white male of European descent you a) do not deserve a job and b) you are guaranteed to be a rapist/thief/terrorist. While if you ARE of that enviable demographic, all good things should be handed to you on a plate, and if they have not been forthcoming, it's probably the fault of a brown person, particularly a woman, who got above her station. The post itself, written by an absolute "pick me" woman of dubious intellect.

Another thought that the use of Grok by a number of individuals to undress women and children was no big deal, and if it was going.to be made such a fuss over, then we should start criminalising the sale of pencils which could be used to draw a naked body. Not only am I hugely pleased not to work with THAT dickhead, I will never use that company and will make sure everyone I know avoids their services in future.

Most recently of all, and again a man, saying that teasing or goading a man with a gun means that you deserve to be shot in the face.

It's heartbreaking. That the face of evil truly is so utterly banal is quite depressing, but I shall thank my lucky stars that I have managed to swerve dealing with these individuals. I may need a new job, but I don't need to be dealing with that sort of blatant stupidity.

...I know - it may come as a shock. But thankfully, that's not the reason for this post.

Recently, said friend made the absolutely heartbreaking decision to leave a job he truly loved, and at which I can say with all honesty, he was amazing at doing. His reasons for leaving amount to little less than workplace bullying and utterly toxic management.

Now, any employer will likely have a policy these days that says you can't say anything detrimental about said employer. And that bringing them in to disrepute is a no no. That's...fair enough. But now imagine that your employer tells you that you are not allowed opinions, that you are not allowed to spend time with certain people or groups, that you absolutely must turn your eyes away rather than call out shitty behaviour... Ridiculous, right? Then bring in a late diagnosis of ADHD, which reframes your perception of self and finally starts to loosen the shackles of self-hatred...Just for colleagues to get upset that they can no longer control you the way they once did, leading to the employer attempting to tighten the shackles right back up.

So...he resigned. Walked away from something he had built through his sheer optimism, curiosity, and love of sharing.

And there are people out there, who know nothing of him, or what happened to him, trying to make out that it's an over reaction. People saying, with their full chest, that they hate that he is warm, caring, shows empathy, and embraces inclusion.

Imagine being so full of your own bullshit, that you see someone - who would even defend YOU - as a threat to be eliminated, even after they have already walked away from anything you might have encountered anyway. The mental gymnastics these people have to go through is...weirdly impressive. I sit here and read some of it and have to remind myself not to respond. For a start, I dont want to draw attention to their antics because I KNOW that my friend will already have seen a lot of it and been upset by the casual cruelty and misrepresentation. If I go chucking my tuppence worth of "fuck yous" to the bullies, he'll see that and then feel bad about any backlash I get from the keyboard warriors out fo virtual blood. But what I want to do...REALLY WANT to do, is grab one or two of the posters who've cited one particular opinion they take umbrage with and ask them
.. "And how, exactly, has this opinion hurt you or anyone else?". Because yes, some opinions are harmful and hurtful. Others are not. Even if later those opinions turn out to be "wrong" in some way, they hurt precisely nobody. Because they dont call for the "othering" of a minority, for example. They don't advance one group at the expense of another. If you can be so nasty about opinions like that? You're a bit of a failure as a human being. He's nicer than me though and would likely tell me off for thinking that way.

Thing is, he doesn't NEED defending. The indefensible is actually the total lack of compassion or conscience exhibited by those who caused his decision,or by those crowing over it.

Love you matey. You're a much better person than me, and here's to the next chapter, free of the dead weight.

To counterbalance my previous ARGH.

Car was fine. RAC fella had just flattened the battery and flooded the entire system with fuel. And broken the cover for the towing bolt. But hey. Old plastic I guess.

Anyway, nice man at garage charged battery then hooned it round the lanes for a day or two and now the car is fine. And didnt charge me through the nose for it.

So. Yay!

There's a lot of people genuinely frothing at the mouth about all sorts of things - and most of them, I'm fairly sure, are entirely imaginary.

I watched one video of a person calmly stating that gun control was a valid suggestion on how to reduce the frequency and impact of mass shootings in the USA.

This to me sounded perfectly reasonable. It was someone making the point that controls would not necessarily mean "not letting anyone have a gun ever". They were suggesting things like... Checking that the person seeking to own the gun was properly trained in weapons handling. That they had a safe and secure storage solution for their firearm(s). That they were not known to be involved in criminal activities. That they would understand how to clean and service their firearm(s) to prevent accidents due to poor maintenance etc.

I see absolutely nothing in there that says "we're taking all your firearms away". Its just saying "Be responsible for a lethal weapon". A question WAS raised on why on earth any civilian would "need" military grade weaponry, but that's a separate thing.

Instead of bothering to listen to the suggestions, the respondent (who is apparently vicar-equivalent!) immediately accused the person making those suggestions of "celebrating" the recent shooting of that fellow in Utah.

Excuse me? Where did THAT come from? No one mentioned any one specific incident. In fact, the initial suggestions were in relation to the frighteningly regular mass shootings they seem to indulge in across the pond. But this chap just started shouting and waving his arms about and doing the full-on "I denounce thee" nonsense that you would see in the comedy stereotypical American church set up. Properly frothing, properly wide boggle eyes, pointing, and generally carrying on.

And I was flummoxed. I don't actually know if the guy is hearing imaginary voices saying things he doesn't like and had decided to shout at them, or if he just knew he was lying and was trying to shout until the other person gave up and let him feel like he'd won some kind of point.

It makes me sad to see someone who is meant to be a community leader being either deranged, or simply a bully and a liar. Neither one of those options is going to be healthy for that community.

But then we hear those charming individuals on our various radio phone-ins and the like, complaining about "them immigrunts innit". Parroting back absolute nonsense like 5 star hotel stays, free iPads, free Xboxes and similar. It's all completely untrue, but they've been told it's the case by the likes of Farage and pals and so they blindly believe it.

I don't think they are necessarily evil. I do think they are possibly a bit simple, and don't have the capacity for rational thought. But not evil.

The ones who wind them up though? The ones who have vast sums of money at their fingertips and the ability to get their insidious, divisive, and simply untrue rhetoric out there? Yes. They are evil, I believe. They arrived on the planet twisted and broken somehow. They make up nonsense stories, then sit back and wait for the people they have duped to do their dirty work.

Thing is, I don't think any of us gain from shouting at the duped. If anything, they need a bit of care and understanding, too. For the most part, we're going to be looking at people who have been isolated and lied to. People who have maybe struggled because of financial woes, mental health issues, physical health problems which scuppered the dreams they had for themselves. People who just didn't get the opportunities they should have because of...name your poison. Could have been local government cuts which meant the training opportunities they wanted weren't available. The schools they attended couldn't afford the number of staff required to look after the volume of students. That so many conditions and health issues that are at least recognised now never were back in "their" day. And so they hear about someone else getting what they think they should have been given, and they explode with righteous indignation. Which is all the more terrible when it's all lies.

Taking these disenfranchised people and riling them up to cause trouble is a repugnant tactic. And often employed by those who've never actually struggled with anything. Look at the usual suspects in this - they are all the same. I'd put money on all of them being utterly revolting school bullies and now it's only the degree of their financial privilege that separates them.

I dont know what we're meant to do. We could TRY telling them the truth, but it's hard to believe the second story you've been told, particularly when you've invested so much time and energy in the first one (and hatred IS exhausting). The shame of having been tricked might simply be too painful to admit.

But I do think that at least here in the UK we should have our Parliament come together and state the truth of things. And members who lie aboit basic facts should be held accountable for their lies. Can you imagine how much better things could be, practically overnight, if every MP irrespective of rosette colour chose to make public the plain facts of the matters that divide this country - not the interpretations? If they all, as one body, sought to work for the good of the country as a whole, rather than slagging each other off all the time?

Imagine that.

Well, it's been quite the few weeks, hasn't it? A lot going on in the world, a significant amount of it really quite awful.

I've been, as usual, doing a lot of thinking about events. And feeling really quite sad about humanity in general.

The fact is, just because I disagree with someone doesn't automatically make me right and them wrong. Obviously, I am going to think I'm right or I wouldnt hold that opinion. Note: I am saying opinion, meaning belief, idea, my own reasoning. Clearly, my opinion cannot influence the established facts of something. For example, if I said I didnt "believe" oxygen was necessary to sustain human life, I'd be very wrong. Monumentally so. I am talking more about the often subjective reasoning in which we all engage.

Some people hate other people. Some people love other people. Some people hate that people love other people. Some people love that people hate other people. Frankly, it's all a bit odd.

I am apparently a left wing extremist. I mean, it comes as news to me too. But this is because I think things like...

Education is important and should be offered and encouraged to all, irrespective of financial status.

Healthcare is vital - both preventative and reactive. And that's for acute or chronic conditions.

I believe it is my duty to pay my taxes, to ensure that public services are maintained for the good of all - and I believe that duty falls to us all.

I believe that people make mistakes. They perhaps fall in to bad habits or they encounter less than ideal situations and may need a hand getting out of them. And help should be there, to a reasonable degree.

I believe that if you break the law, then there are consequences. I ALSO believe that there can be times when the law needs closer scrutiny because it is flawed. And that is how things are changed.

I do NOT believe that violence should ever be the first resort. That said, I am not a pacifist either. If my family or I were directly threatened, and other avenues were exhausted or closed, then yes. I believe that going down fighting would be the correct response.

I do not however believe that it is right or proper to gun someone down because of their beliefs, even if their stated beliefs did not mesh with mine - to any degree.

Because for every person out there saying what sounds to me like terrible things, there are also people out there saying things with which I agree. And I don't want to see either one being killed for it.

Those who listen to the side of an argument with which I agree are obviously, to my eyes, going to look like the "good guys". Those who listen to the alternative will be the "bad guys". The thing is, we as individuals have the choice on who we are going to listen to. And some people are wired in a way that will tend towards what I would consider "right-thinking" and others to what I would consider "broken". The spokespeople for either side of any aisle you care to walk down are not going to prevent those who flock to them from having their own beliefs and ways of behaving. These people are a focal point, a screen displaying those beliefs. Not the initial cause.

Am I telling anyone they cannot have their opinions or beliefs? Nope. There are a few I wish didn't exist, but I am sure there are some who don't see what I believe as being reasonable either.

This isn't about appeasement. It's not about being an apologist. It's just trying to understand why we humans are so awful to each other and why some always seek to escalate it. I still have no answers.

There was an initial chat interview today that happened. It was with someone who genuinely actually cares about the service element of what we do.

It was lovely.

That is all.