Of shards and sheep

And it will come as absolutely no surprise to anyone that I have picked up an absolutely stinking cold along with it. I heard mention of a cold vaccine they've been testing on mice of late. I am over here, looking for ways to volunteer for human trials. Seriously, pick me already.

The world is continuing to turn, albeit a little graunchily. A recent kerfuffle was again the BBC showing its rather evident stumbling to the right like a drunk elephant. Short version, an awards ceremony, a case of tourettes, and evident editing decisions taken by the BBC.

During the collection of an award, the person with tourettes shouted out a racial.slur which the Beeb chose to leave in their later broadcast, despite having edited out two of his other same outbursts and also, a rather lovely gentleman who was trying to offer a crumb of hope to the oppressed and embattled peoples of the world.

This was entirely an editorial decision and served two purposes. The first being that the slur in question, loaded as it is, is possibly one of the most hateful, hurtful things that could have been said to our black and brown brothers and sisters. It has been used to degrade and dehumanise for so long and... yeah. I am not even from that community and words fail me as to how horrified I am to think of people sitting in their homes, where they should be safe, being exposed to that word. Just because there was no intent by the speaker is irrelevant (and I'll get there shortly). There is no excuse whatsoever for the BBC choosing to keep that in THAT move...that was calculated to hurt.

The second purpose? To take direct aim at disabled communities. To "prove" that they are not "deserving" of special treatment... Where special treatment means : they should be shut out of spaces where the "normal" people are. Why should we make concessions for the disabled minority anyway? Or any minority? It's a way to push them back into the wings, out of sight, out of mind. No more special.parking spaces, no more extra time to complete tasks, no "special treatment" when queuing, no more being perceived by the envious to get "more".

The person in question has a specific type of tic. One that knows the absolute worst words that could be said in a given situation, and blurts them.out. Obviously, if he thought the worst possible word to say was "hamster" or "lemon tree", then that is what he would have shouted. But no, he knew the worst possible words because let's be honest- we ALL do. We have heard them our entire lives and most of us have the good fortune to be able to stop ourselves from using them. If that ability to control what i said was gone, I would be mortified.

But instead of recognising the hurt and harm against both communities, we're tripping over ourselves to defend or accuse one or the other instead of looking hard at the Beeb and reminding them that they are not there to be partisan and support either a left or right wing agenda. And we know from the actions of the people at the top of the tree that they are very firmly to the right. I used to be mildly amused when I heard people claiming that the BBC was both Left and Right aligned. To me, it suggested they were navigating a broadly central path. Tricky, but evidently preferable. These days, when someone who doesn't even watch TV (seriously, we don't even have one in the house) can see the path has gone off on a tangent, and as the various scandals come out, and the toxic, bullying culture of the executives comes to light - you have to admit they have lost their claim to be speaking peace nation unto nation. They are actually causing unnecessary pain and fighting within the population, and allowing the scumbags at the top to get away with spreading hatred and corruption.

So yeah. Not the best.

...and I'm finally able to be a little more...controlled? Is that the word?

Hang on, back up, start at the beginning.

A couple of days ago, I made some Spring-themed fused glass pieces, which I was quite pleased with. As is the fashion, I went to post them to Instagram because, well, even though these aren't for sale in my shop (the postage I would need to charge would all but double the item cost because they are tiny, only about 5.5cm across), I like to share a little bit of colourful artyness here and there. On opening the app, and without any warning thanks to the autoplay of videos (which cannot be switched OFF), I witnessed the last few seconds of a human life.

It hit me like a TRAIN. Genuinely.floored me. I watched as a bunch of armed, masked men held another man to the ground on his knees with his hands firmly held behind his back... and shot him. Multiple times. And he fell to the ground, lifeless. I watched a murder take place in broad daylight.

I had managed to avoid seeing what happened to the Kirk boy. I managed to avoid seeing what happened to Renee Good. But this time, the video started and played on without any sort of warning, minutes after the referenced event had occurred, so I had no way of knowing not to open anything for at least a few hours when I could immediately skip anything that might be related.

I don't like horror movies. I don't enjoy watching make-believe movie killings. I have lived through enough horror in real life that I don't find entertainment value in it. To then be confronted with this horrific evil was just too much and it broke me. I felt sick, I was shaking as if I had been there and witnessed it myself. When the news reported what some woman was claiming to have been the situation, I just wanted to scream what a lying little bitch she is. Believe me, this is NOT my usual demeanor. Even if I believe someone is lying, I don't tend to feel like I want to scream in their faces. But that she would stand there and repeat such obvious falsehood was beyond repugnant.

I am calmer than I was. I cannot scrape those images from my brain though, no matter how much I want to. And I recognise that for those witnesses, for those affected families of these atrocities...it is so much worse. My feelings are not anywhere near the same league as the pain they are experiencing. So I recognise my privilege that should not BE a privilege.

The only thing I see as the weirdest positive to take from this, is that the Nazi hunters never gave up. And they kept finding those who thought they had hidden themselves well away, just like those masked thugs, and their enablers who think they will always be protected by power. They won't. They will all be found, they will be put on trial, and they will be forced to answer for their crimes. And it may not come until they are doddery old.fools in their 90s. It won't matter though. They will be found and they WILL be held accountable. And when they all eventually die, as all humans do, their names will be forgotten. They will die the truest death when no one ever speak their names again and the world will forget them, as they deserve.

Oh, and no. This is not up for debate. This is not about nuance. This is nothing to do with context. This isn't even politics. It is good versus evil. Nothing more or less complex. Choose where to stand, and live with the consequence of that choice.

I've had....quite a few interviews of late. Nothing has come of them so far, some because they said no (or ghosted me) and some because I said no. Some from both camps have disappointed me.

But in a couple of instancesnow, the "liked posts" on LinkedIn by the CEO or the interviewer have left me absolutely cold and so very glad I will not need to deal with those people.

From one person who liked a post where the underlying message was that unless you're a white male of European descent you a) do not deserve a job and b) you are guaranteed to be a rapist/thief/terrorist. While if you ARE of that enviable demographic, all good things should be handed to you on a plate, and if they have not been forthcoming, it's probably the fault of a brown person, particularly a woman, who got above her station. The post itself, written by an absolute "pick me" woman of dubious intellect.

Another thought that the use of Grok by a number of individuals to undress women and children was no big deal, and if it was going.to be made such a fuss over, then we should start criminalising the sale of pencils which could be used to draw a naked body. Not only am I hugely pleased not to work with THAT dickhead, I will never use that company and will make sure everyone I know avoids their services in future.

Most recently of all, and again a man, saying that teasing or goading a man with a gun means that you deserve to be shot in the face.

It's heartbreaking. That the face of evil truly is so utterly banal is quite depressing, but I shall thank my lucky stars that I have managed to swerve dealing with these individuals. I may need a new job, but I don't need to be dealing with that sort of blatant stupidity.

...I know - it may come as a shock. But thankfully, that's not the reason for this post.

Recently, said friend made the absolutely heartbreaking decision to leave a job he truly loved, and at which I can say with all honesty, he was amazing at doing. His reasons for leaving amount to little less than workplace bullying and utterly toxic management.

Now, any employer will likely have a policy these days that says you can't say anything detrimental about said employer. And that bringing them in to disrepute is a no no. That's...fair enough. But now imagine that your employer tells you that you are not allowed opinions, that you are not allowed to spend time with certain people or groups, that you absolutely must turn your eyes away rather than call out shitty behaviour... Ridiculous, right? Then bring in a late diagnosis of ADHD, which reframes your perception of self and finally starts to loosen the shackles of self-hatred...Just for colleagues to get upset that they can no longer control you the way they once did, leading to the employer attempting to tighten the shackles right back up.

So...he resigned. Walked away from something he had built through his sheer optimism, curiosity, and love of sharing.

And there are people out there, who know nothing of him, or what happened to him, trying to make out that it's an over reaction. People saying, with their full chest, that they hate that he is warm, caring, shows empathy, and embraces inclusion.

Imagine being so full of your own bullshit, that you see someone - who would even defend YOU - as a threat to be eliminated, even after they have already walked away from anything you might have encountered anyway. The mental gymnastics these people have to go through is...weirdly impressive. I sit here and read some of it and have to remind myself not to respond. For a start, I dont want to draw attention to their antics because I KNOW that my friend will already have seen a lot of it and been upset by the casual cruelty and misrepresentation. If I go chucking my tuppence worth of "fuck yous" to the bullies, he'll see that and then feel bad about any backlash I get from the keyboard warriors out fo virtual blood. But what I want to do...REALLY WANT to do, is grab one or two of the posters who've cited one particular opinion they take umbrage with and ask them
.. "And how, exactly, has this opinion hurt you or anyone else?". Because yes, some opinions are harmful and hurtful. Others are not. Even if later those opinions turn out to be "wrong" in some way, they hurt precisely nobody. Because they dont call for the "othering" of a minority, for example. They don't advance one group at the expense of another. If you can be so nasty about opinions like that? You're a bit of a failure as a human being. He's nicer than me though and would likely tell me off for thinking that way.

Thing is, he doesn't NEED defending. The indefensible is actually the total lack of compassion or conscience exhibited by those who caused his decision,or by those crowing over it.

Love you matey. You're a much better person than me, and here's to the next chapter, free of the dead weight.

To counterbalance my previous ARGH.

Car was fine. RAC fella had just flattened the battery and flooded the entire system with fuel. And broken the cover for the towing bolt. But hey. Old plastic I guess.

Anyway, nice man at garage charged battery then hooned it round the lanes for a day or two and now the car is fine. And didnt charge me through the nose for it.

So. Yay!

There's a lot of people genuinely frothing at the mouth about all sorts of things - and most of them, I'm fairly sure, are entirely imaginary.

I watched one video of a person calmly stating that gun control was a valid suggestion on how to reduce the frequency and impact of mass shootings in the USA.

This to me sounded perfectly reasonable. It was someone making the point that controls would not necessarily mean "not letting anyone have a gun ever". They were suggesting things like... Checking that the person seeking to own the gun was properly trained in weapons handling. That they had a safe and secure storage solution for their firearm(s). That they were not known to be involved in criminal activities. That they would understand how to clean and service their firearm(s) to prevent accidents due to poor maintenance etc.

I see absolutely nothing in there that says "we're taking all your firearms away". Its just saying "Be responsible for a lethal weapon". A question WAS raised on why on earth any civilian would "need" military grade weaponry, but that's a separate thing.

Instead of bothering to listen to the suggestions, the respondent (who is apparently vicar-equivalent!) immediately accused the person making those suggestions of "celebrating" the recent shooting of that fellow in Utah.

Excuse me? Where did THAT come from? No one mentioned any one specific incident. In fact, the initial suggestions were in relation to the frighteningly regular mass shootings they seem to indulge in across the pond. But this chap just started shouting and waving his arms about and doing the full-on "I denounce thee" nonsense that you would see in the comedy stereotypical American church set up. Properly frothing, properly wide boggle eyes, pointing, and generally carrying on.

And I was flummoxed. I don't actually know if the guy is hearing imaginary voices saying things he doesn't like and had decided to shout at them, or if he just knew he was lying and was trying to shout until the other person gave up and let him feel like he'd won some kind of point.

It makes me sad to see someone who is meant to be a community leader being either deranged, or simply a bully and a liar. Neither one of those options is going to be healthy for that community.

But then we hear those charming individuals on our various radio phone-ins and the like, complaining about "them immigrunts innit". Parroting back absolute nonsense like 5 star hotel stays, free iPads, free Xboxes and similar. It's all completely untrue, but they've been told it's the case by the likes of Farage and pals and so they blindly believe it.

I don't think they are necessarily evil. I do think they are possibly a bit simple, and don't have the capacity for rational thought. But not evil.

The ones who wind them up though? The ones who have vast sums of money at their fingertips and the ability to get their insidious, divisive, and simply untrue rhetoric out there? Yes. They are evil, I believe. They arrived on the planet twisted and broken somehow. They make up nonsense stories, then sit back and wait for the people they have duped to do their dirty work.

Thing is, I don't think any of us gain from shouting at the duped. If anything, they need a bit of care and understanding, too. For the most part, we're going to be looking at people who have been isolated and lied to. People who have maybe struggled because of financial woes, mental health issues, physical health problems which scuppered the dreams they had for themselves. People who just didn't get the opportunities they should have because of...name your poison. Could have been local government cuts which meant the training opportunities they wanted weren't available. The schools they attended couldn't afford the number of staff required to look after the volume of students. That so many conditions and health issues that are at least recognised now never were back in "their" day. And so they hear about someone else getting what they think they should have been given, and they explode with righteous indignation. Which is all the more terrible when it's all lies.

Taking these disenfranchised people and riling them up to cause trouble is a repugnant tactic. And often employed by those who've never actually struggled with anything. Look at the usual suspects in this - they are all the same. I'd put money on all of them being utterly revolting school bullies and now it's only the degree of their financial privilege that separates them.

I dont know what we're meant to do. We could TRY telling them the truth, but it's hard to believe the second story you've been told, particularly when you've invested so much time and energy in the first one (and hatred IS exhausting). The shame of having been tricked might simply be too painful to admit.

But I do think that at least here in the UK we should have our Parliament come together and state the truth of things. And members who lie aboit basic facts should be held accountable for their lies. Can you imagine how much better things could be, practically overnight, if every MP irrespective of rosette colour chose to make public the plain facts of the matters that divide this country - not the interpretations? If they all, as one body, sought to work for the good of the country as a whole, rather than slagging each other off all the time?

Imagine that.

Well, it's been quite the few weeks, hasn't it? A lot going on in the world, a significant amount of it really quite awful.

I've been, as usual, doing a lot of thinking about events. And feeling really quite sad about humanity in general.

The fact is, just because I disagree with someone doesn't automatically make me right and them wrong. Obviously, I am going to think I'm right or I wouldnt hold that opinion. Note: I am saying opinion, meaning belief, idea, my own reasoning. Clearly, my opinion cannot influence the established facts of something. For example, if I said I didnt "believe" oxygen was necessary to sustain human life, I'd be very wrong. Monumentally so. I am talking more about the often subjective reasoning in which we all engage.

Some people hate other people. Some people love other people. Some people hate that people love other people. Some people love that people hate other people. Frankly, it's all a bit odd.

I am apparently a left wing extremist. I mean, it comes as news to me too. But this is because I think things like...

Education is important and should be offered and encouraged to all, irrespective of financial status.

Healthcare is vital - both preventative and reactive. And that's for acute or chronic conditions.

I believe it is my duty to pay my taxes, to ensure that public services are maintained for the good of all - and I believe that duty falls to us all.

I believe that people make mistakes. They perhaps fall in to bad habits or they encounter less than ideal situations and may need a hand getting out of them. And help should be there, to a reasonable degree.

I believe that if you break the law, then there are consequences. I ALSO believe that there can be times when the law needs closer scrutiny because it is flawed. And that is how things are changed.

I do NOT believe that violence should ever be the first resort. That said, I am not a pacifist either. If my family or I were directly threatened, and other avenues were exhausted or closed, then yes. I believe that going down fighting would be the correct response.

I do not however believe that it is right or proper to gun someone down because of their beliefs, even if their stated beliefs did not mesh with mine - to any degree.

Because for every person out there saying what sounds to me like terrible things, there are also people out there saying things with which I agree. And I don't want to see either one being killed for it.

Those who listen to the side of an argument with which I agree are obviously, to my eyes, going to look like the "good guys". Those who listen to the alternative will be the "bad guys". The thing is, we as individuals have the choice on who we are going to listen to. And some people are wired in a way that will tend towards what I would consider "right-thinking" and others to what I would consider "broken". The spokespeople for either side of any aisle you care to walk down are not going to prevent those who flock to them from having their own beliefs and ways of behaving. These people are a focal point, a screen displaying those beliefs. Not the initial cause.

Am I telling anyone they cannot have their opinions or beliefs? Nope. There are a few I wish didn't exist, but I am sure there are some who don't see what I believe as being reasonable either.

This isn't about appeasement. It's not about being an apologist. It's just trying to understand why we humans are so awful to each other and why some always seek to escalate it. I still have no answers.

There was an initial chat interview today that happened. It was with someone who genuinely actually cares about the service element of what we do.

It was lovely.

That is all.

...you know...that's not all that easy to answer. I'm not sure I ever have managed to answer that one satisfactorily. Not sure I ever will, either.

In fact, I am not even sure I understand the question.

I am...the sum of my experiences?

I am the offspring of my parents?

I am...a right royal pain in the backside for a lot of people, no doubt.

Am I supposed to say my age and what I do for a job?

Does anyone care which current gender norms I fit into?

Am I meant to proclaim any political, religious, or sporting team affiliations?

I've been thinking about that question a lot lately. It's a fairly common "icebreaker" one in job interviews, and more and more I see people telling me that to sell my glass, I need to "tell people your story".

Uhm.

I'm really not so sure about that.

I've found that being blisteringly honest about things is NOT what people want - lesson learnt after one interview years ago, when asked about a four month gap in my CV. My initial reply of "I realised I needed a bit of a break to get myself back on track" was deemed insufficient, but then it was clearly too much when "had a bit of a breakdown after my niece and nephew were murdered by their dad" kinda derailed the entire interview.

And the sad truth is, a lot of who I am is still tied to that horrible time. I used to be fearless - and I mean that. I would take off and try new things, meet people, put myself so far out of any comfort zone I nearly circled all the way back round. After? I played it so safe as to lock myself in a cage and never expect anything more than the bare minimum of anyone or anything.

But one thing that has stayed consistent throughout, is that I loathe bullies. And I find the wilfully ignorant utterly infuriating. I am one of those odd creatures who believes that tolerance is a wonderful thing, but I also end up being a hypocrite in some ways because I *won't* tolerate hateful, deceitful individuals, and I will cheerfully tell those I believe are being intentionally blind to the toxic behaviour of those they admire that they are just as shitty as their hero.

So I guess I'm a bunch of contradictions walking around, trying to find decent people to spend time with, while cheerfully suggesting to shitty people that they go find a nice short pier to take a long walk all the way off of. Will that do?

That's not going to get me through an interview, or sell my glass, is it?

...when our current crop of "world leaders" vary between spineless wastes of space and pompous pustules of self important arseholery.

See also - pathetic snivelling scumbags vs mass murdering fuckheads.

The most part of people in the countries in question are perfectly decent, normal people. It's like we distill all the crazy, the hate, the general fuckwittery into a single person and then for absolutely inexplicable reasons, allow THEM to be in charge.

And it doesn't help that of course, that they then represent that entire country to the rest of the world. Because when your leader(s) are cruel, corrupt, and murderous? That's how you all get lumped together.

We dont help ourselves, of course. Social media in particular has driven the knee-jerk responsiveness of our species to dizzying new heights of absurdity. Where once, you might have used a word entirely unaware of its connotations in some areas that to YOU, the individual, may be utterly obscure. It's a big planet. It IS possible to miss the nuance a word has in a three-mile square area in a country you've never been to.

Let me give an example.

"Cakey!"

WTF is that meant to mean? Caked on? Turned to a cake-like consistency? No.

It meant (very loosely) that someone was considered a bit of a goody two shoes, and bit too "perfect little student", a bit "naive little girl" and a bit "annoyingly pathetic and weak". And to whom did it mean that? Well, I can think of about half a dozen girls at my school who started throwing it around as an "insult". But i never once heard it outside of my school and even then, only ever within my own year group. Which had 80 people in it, split into two forms. And it was girls in the other form who started it and used it. Quite often about a particular girl in my form.

Now, if I saw/heard someone use the word cakey, would I immediately jump to the conclusion it was an insult aimed at me? Well, contextually, if it was Louise, Nicola, Caroline, or Rachael, yes, I'd probably assume it was. Anyone else? No. I wouldn't. If it WAS definitely aimed at me,and it wasn't one of the aforementioned? I'd have to ask what it was meant to mean.

Contrast this with social media responses.

Person A

Person B "How very dare you use THAT disgusting term for ** which you definitely would have known about because *I* know it and you are evil!!!111eleventyone11!"

Person A "I was talking about potting out my begonias, what are you on about?"

Person B "How dare you disrespect my people like that. Educate yourself! Do better!!"

Person B then instigates a massive pile on to Person A who has absolutely no clue that the word they have always known to be related to potting out plants after the last frost, has been picked up by a group of individuals 5000 miles away in their book club as an acronym for some pretty appalling abuses suffered in the mid 17th century by fishermen in the Azores. Or something equally baffling to Person A.

We are so quick to assume ill intent by others because Internet trolling has trained us to be that way, and it feeds this destructive, feral streak inside us that makes us go to war with each other.

Even now, I find myself being VERY careful not to say what I am actually thinking, since my mental shorthand is not immediately available to anyone not inside my own head. If I were to say "ugh, men!" for example, I would of course in my own head, know exactly who I meant. I'd know the character types I was referencing, and I would be ringfencing the people like my dad, uncle Bob, Grampa Johnny, and the many thoroughly decent men of my acquaintance. But you wouldn't know that unless you asked. You might assume I meant every single last one on the planet, and his little dog, too. And this is where it falls apart. Those assumptions are what pits countries against each other. That pushes ideologies and religions into conflict. The refusal to admit we ALL use mental shorthand is going to kill us. And I am not sure that the planet will miss us.